The Pilgrimage Begins Anew
I have been a Christ follower for 18 years. of those 18 years, the last 7 have been in full-time occupational service to Jesus. Or so I would have you believe. I have served 2 churches now as a Music Minister. Both situations have been both good and bad. I fondly remember those very hot days of setting up and tearing down all the equipment, chairs, kid stuff, and materials to carry out the 2 weekend services and I also have enjoyed retrofitting an office building to house a church. I have also enjoyed being a “real church” in two different situations. One was very edgy and contemporary and the second a little more conservative and still defining herself.
So, as I write this, I find myself beginning a new journey. A self-imposed 2 week sabbatical to calm myself, find my center, and discern the plan that God has for me. It’s been a very difficult year and a half. I find great highs and unimaginable lows. It’s a very difficult situation to fully describe, but just know that I am not alone. My circumstances are not unique, but it’s HOW I respond that is important.
If I serve the God I say I serve, than the circumstances that have led up to my time off is just another little bump in the road. Another opportunity to allow God to work in, around, and most importantly, through me. My real problem can be summed up in one word: silence. i have been seeking God’s answers, His still soft voice…and I get nothing. There are probably many reasons for this: clutter, disobedience, or an unwillingness to STOP and listen. And that brings me to here. This spot in my life that allows me process and figure out which way to go.
Bill Hybels, in his book When Leadership and Discipleship Collide, states that God told Bill when he was in the same place I am today, “you are a treasured child of the most high God. The cause that you are assigned to is going to prevail, and the combined forces of darkness cannot defeat it. You have been surrounded with some of the most loving, remarkable Christ-followers in the world. Lean into them. Let them love you. Invite them into your struggle. Ask for their help and their prayers.”
And that thought has completely wiped me out. My questions, my doubts, my concerns, my inadequacies…all my low self-esteem concerns…blown away by one simple sentence… “You are a treasured child of the most high God.” So why do I feel so alone and depressed? I can tell you the many stories of hurt and disappointment. I can tell you the cruel and vile comments people have made to and about me. I can tell you of the leadership failures, mine and of others, that have all led me to this moment.
And God has brought me here to this truth…I am a treasured child of the most high God. I have always been very fond of a painting by Thomas Blackshear. It’s called “Forgiven”. It’s simply a picture of a man being held up by his Savior. The man is holding a hammer and a nail, much like those that were driven into Christ’s hands. Both figures are standing in front of a cross. From the very first time I ever laid eyes on that piece of art, I have know that I was that man. My sin, my disobedience, my doubts, my unbelief, my lack of trust compelled God to send His Son to pay the price for me. And I am wrecked whenever I think of all that.
I know that I have started a journey, a pilgrimage, to become a better follower and servant of Jesus. Today is my first baby-step to discover God in a new and fresh way. I ask for your prayers, and for God grace and anointing.
Father, Lord, thank you for my life. Thank you for sending Your Son to die for my sins. Father, please fill me with the Spirit of Truth. Forgive my sins and forgive my disobedience. I ask that you renew my mind, my soul, my body, and my strength. I am tired and confused. I need You in a way unlike anything I have ever known. Please be with me and guide my steps during this time. Allow me to experience your grace and glory, Your love and peace. God please break my bad habits and change my existence. In Your holy and amazing name. Amen.
